


why is there a turd on my doorstep?

by valcellarum



Series: the 5 love languages [2]
Category: Venom (Movie 2018)
Genre: Crack, Gift Giving, Humor, Married Life, Other, Pet Names, Sassy Venom, but not in the way that you think, can be read as a standalone, eddie's a bit of a mess as usual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-23
Updated: 2018-10-23
Packaged: 2019-08-06 08:49:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16384994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valcellarum/pseuds/valcellarum
Summary: I brought you a present. Happy birthday.Venom peers down at their lover after another long moment of silence, trying to gauge his expression. They must be getting rusty with human emotions lately because they don't remember unbridled joy being characterized by flared nostrils and a twitching eye.





	why is there a turd on my doorstep?

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by the writing style of one of my favorite authors, tj klune, whose new book comes out in 3 days hypehypehype
> 
> i can only aspire to write at his level of clarity and sophistication

Once upon a time, there was a farmer named Eddie Brock who lived with his wife in their little dwelling on the hills. But instead of crops or animals, he harvested information on corrupted individuals and organizations in the city of San Francisco. And instead of a human woman he was married to, it was actually a genderless alien whose slimy mass needed a warm, pliant body to fu— er, to survive on Earth and, well... Eddie. 

It was this whole thing, you see, with spaceships and human experimentation and morally grey scientists and  _confessions of undying love_.

But that's not what this story is about. 

This story is about the  _after_ , when all had settled down, the villains defeated and vows exchanged.

This story is about the literal piece of shit currently lying on Eddie's porch courtesy of the metaphorical piece of shit flicking their tongue in his ear. Audibly. And wetly.

"What the fuck is this." No inflection.

**_Honey._**  Flick.  _ **Love bear.**_  Flick flick.  _ **Sugar di—**_

"I repeat, why is there a fucking turd on my doorstep and why do you look like you know something about it?"

**_I was getting there, baby cakes._**  Venom slithers around close enough for Eddie to feel their every hot breath on his face, the better to recount their riveting tale with.

**_So there I was today, on this fine October day, the skies blue, the birds chirping, the hunger in our tummy sated, the tension in our... groin recently released. There I was, walking down the street—_ **

"There is no way for you to actually walk down the street as you are."

A long sigh. You can almost see the eye roll despite Venom having none of the traditional pupils or eyeballs required to roll one's eyes.

_**So there I was, my hubby carrying me within his strong, muscular, sexy, tight body that I help maintain, which, I'll have you know, takes a lot of work, given how much you eat and how little you actually work out outside our bedroom, preferring instead to tap away on that soul-sucking technology box of yours like a goddamned millennial. Hey, maybe you should consider going outside once in a while and getting some fresh air. Change your diet, perhaps. Join a Zumba class.** _

Eddie's eyes are wide, disbelieving even, as if the love of his life isn't making valid points.

"You are  _literally_  the reason why I have to eat 20,000 calories a day. You burn through that shit and then some. And I 'tap away on my soul-sucking technology box' so I can make enough money to support your ravenous appetite. I changed my diet _for you_. Why are you blaming this all on me?" His voice grows a bit shrill there at the end.

**_Woah, woah. Calm down, pumpkin pie. Don't turn this into a blame game. It's not about you and I anymore, remember? It's about_ us _._**

"I did no such thing.  _You_  star—" The rest is lost in a muffled garble as Venom lodges a piece of themselves into his mouth.

**_Tut tut. What did I say, stud muffin? No more you or I, only usssssss. Now will you behave?_ **

Eddie looks as if he's about to either suck or chew his way out of the gag, but then closes his eyes, sucks in a deep breath through his nose, and nods.

When Venom releases him, he continues to stand there, inhaling and exhaling slowly. Doesn't respond when they nudge him slightly, first physically, then through their shared bond. Maybe they accidentally got him horny from the gag.

**_Hey. Hey. Eddie-kins. You okay? Are you feeling the tingle? Do we need to do the private mingle? That's code for sex, by the way._ **

Eddie takes another deep breath and says calmly through gritted teeth, "I will ask you one more time. There is a turd. In front of my door."

**_That's not a que—_ **

Eddie's eyes shoot open. There's a fire burning inside and it's not the sexy kind.

**_Okay never mind, apparently it is. Well since you keep interrupting me, I guess I won't build up to the surprise like my_ How to Keep the Spark Alive in a Committed, Long-Term Union Between a Symbiote and Their Human Host Slash Best Friend Slash Lover _book told me to do and get straight to the point: I brought you a present. Happy birthday._**

Venom peers down at their lover after another long moment of silence, trying to gauge his expression. They must be getting rusty with human emotions lately because they don't remember unbridled joy being characterized by flared nostrils and a twitching eye.

"You brought me a literal piece of shit for my birthday."

_**It sounds a bit... wanting, when you put it that way, but yes.** _

"Why."

_**You know, I think we need to have a little talk about your use of punctuation and inflection, given that you're a reporter who writes articles and talks on TV and all that.** _

"I'm not going to repeat myself again."

Venom throws their head back and sighs dramatically.  _ **Fine. Just remember, you were the one who kept interrupting me when I was trying to explain. So you know that tiny yappy rat we saw in the park? It took a dump while you were chatting with Mrs. Chen and it reminded me of our first days together.**_  

"Why the hell would that remind you of— wait. That was this morning. On the other side of town. How the hell did you get it here?" There's a niggling feeling in the back of his mind, but he's trying to avoid it as best he can. "You'd think someone would've noticed us walking around with a lump of shit. You'd think  _I'd_  have noticed."

**_Oh, that's simple. I just absorbed it. And then exuded it when we got home._ **

"So you, what? Dangled yourself outside my body for five hours? To bring me back a piece of shit? And then left it on the porch for me to find the next time I opened the door?"

**_I mean, I wasn't going to hold it in front of your face to show you. God, who do you think I am? And don't be silly, I only extended a part of myself out long enough to grab it. Then I rejoined you, schnookums. I'd never just_ leave _you._**

Eddie blinks long and hard at that, attempting to fend off his impending hysteria. "What did you say?"

_**I said I'd never just leave you. We signed that contract together, remember? Not a legal one, but still. We promised we'd be together forever and always and all that.** _

"I mean before that." Eddie looks like he's trying not to gag, which is weird because Venom doesn't have any tentacles shoved down his throat.

"Are you saying  _that shit_ ," he looks pointedly at said shit, "was in my  _body_?" His voice is a hysterical shriek now.

**_Uhhhhh..._**  Another shriek comes out of his mouth and Venom whips their head around wildly for an escape.

**_Hey, look! It's Anne! Let's focus on Anne walking towards us with a triple chocolate fudge cake and not on whatever I just said, yeah? Yeah. Hey, Anne! How's it going?_ **

Anne waves from across the hall. "Hi, Eddie! Hi, Venom! Dan's bringing up the rest of the supplies and we'll have everything set up in no time."

Venom whoops and Eddie lifts his head at an angle to look at her, a manic grin slowly spreading across his face.

"Hey, Anne? How are you? Doing well, I hope? Your skin is clear and your crops are flourishing? Good. Hey, completely random, do you think you can get Dan to hook me up with that MRI machine?"

Anne just laughs and walks past him, neatly sidestepping the turd, to place the cake and candles on the dining table.

"No, like, seriously." He follows her back into his apartment.

"Eddie, no offense, but you ask me that every other week. And the first and last time I listened to you, I ended up walking in on you getting rammed by Venom. Through various orifices. Very willingly. So, no, Eddie, I am not going to ask Dan to get you access to the MRI because you and Venom will be fine."

"But, but," he sputters incoherently. 

"Eat some cake, dear, you sound hangry." She hands him a plate and kisses him on the cheek. "We'll call you when we're ready."

**_Thanks, Anne!_ **

Eddie stands there petulantly, hangrily stabbing at his slice of cake. Venom hums contentedly in his head. It is a good cake. Soon, meaning in about twenty seconds, the entire cake is gone.

He indeed feels a smidge better when they're called back to the door, where Anne and Dan and a giant industrial fan gather in a circle to sing happy birthday with another triple chocolate fudge cake in hand.

"What." Eddie says. "Why is there a giant industrial fan."

**_Oh, Eddie. We really do need to work on your inflection. But that's also one of the things I love most about you. And with that, I would like to begin my toast._ **

"Hurrah," Anne and Dan chime in.

**_Eddie, love of my life, fire of our shared loin, I love you and I would like to present to you a reenactment of one of our shining moments as my gift to you. Anne and Dan here will be my supporting actors. Take your places please._ **

Anne stands behind the coffee table, pretending to be afraid but mostly just looking constipated. Dan stands between them, next to the power button on the fan.

"What." Eddie says again, but everyone ignores him.

"Ah! This is a gun! I am here to steal your money! And a bottle of your finest whiskey!" Dan is trying just a little too hard, really, but Anne swoons a little from her place behind the coffee table before remembering her role and says, "Ah. Please. No." She, on the other hand, is not trying hard enough, but Venom can work with that. It's their time to shine, anyway.

**_Ahem, ahem. Ma me mi mo mu. Okay, I got this._ **

They shoot out a little tentacle to boop Dan in the face and then proceed to monologue.

**_We will eat both of your arms, and then both of your legs, and then we will eat your face right off of your head. You will be this armless, legless, faceless thing, won’t you? Rolling down the street… like a turd… in the wind._ **

As Venom utters the final words from their infamous speech, the giant industrial fan turns on and blows the turd down the steps and into the streets. It must be a strong fan to accomplish such a feat, especially since Eddie lives in the apartment furthest from the stairway, multiple floors off the ground. But let's not worry too much about logistics. 

**_Happy birthday, Eddie <3_**

"..."

**_..._ **

"..."

**_..._ **

"In what universe did you think this would be romantic?"

"Aw, Eddie. Don't be like that. You're blushing so hard, Dan and I are actually going to leave now because as hot as your sex looks and sounds, we are not that kind of couple." They abscond.

And then Eddie gets happily rammed by Venom through various orifices very willingly. Because that's the kind of couple they are.

**Author's Note:**

> at what point did you realize where this was going? bc it took me until over halfway through tbqh
> 
> i really hope no one had high expectations for this lol, esp those of you who read part 1. i know it's a complete 180 in terms of style and tone. i had so much fun writing this though. let me know what you think
> 
> thanks for reading!


End file.
